Pete Aldin requests...

In my Halloween Newsletter, and in the archived version HERE, I listed four kinds of Monsters In The Pew that you'll want to avoid. I gave you the Frankenstein Christian, the Dracula Christian, the Mr. Hyde Christian, and the Invisible Man Christian. In the comments, Pete Aldin asked for an extended version that included a Wolfman Christian and a Zombie Christian.

The Wolfman is a stumper. The first thing that comes to mind is when I worked at Wal-Mart and had long hair and massive sideburns. A little girl passing by looked at her mommie and exclaimed, "Look Mommie, that man's a werewolf."

Well, I'm not (unfortunately), but I do think they're interesting. What always grabbed me about them was that they went at everything with unstoppable power and reckless stupidity. It reminds me of a few guys I knew that were, above all things, warriors for Christ--ready to exorcize the demons whereever they might be found. They're the guys who cannot refer to their bible as a bible, or the Word, or the Holy Book. Their bible is, and always will be, a sword. They think of Spiritual Warfare almost constantly and, I bet, have comic book images of their battles with the demonic, floating around in their head. They're beastly warriors for Jesus. Grrrr. Chomp.

Phew. Okay. Now, taking a cue from Audio Adrenaline, I've decided to go with the Zombie Christian as a good guy. It would be very easy to draw a connection between Zombies and luke-warm Christianity, being dead in the faith and all, But I'm looking for something of a challenge. A Zombie Christian is one who marches without question into the fray. They're oblivious to harm. Their sole purpose seems to be to make more Zombies which, if you can set aside the whole cannibalism thing, looks a bit like evangelism. Hungry?

Monsters In The Pew (archived from October's newsletter)
Victorian literature has more original monsters that any other literary period. Modern tales, even those written by the likes of Stephen King, lack the never-before quality that you find in the nineteenth century. And while, they're quite numerous, most movie monsters are alike in some way. They're demons, or angry ghosts, or vampires, or mutants. Where are all the one-off, one-of-a-kind creatures that were written about before the turn of the century? Frankenstein was nothing like Dracula; Dracula nothing like Mr. Hyde; Mr. Hyde nothing like the Invisible Man except that they both drank an elixir of some sort. In celebration (yes, celebration) of the Halloween season, I'm having a little bit of fun with the monster theme.

I've just mentioned four famous monsters from four very popular, very unique tales. These undesirables paint all sorts of simple and complex symbols for us to dissect. To keep this essay managable, I'm only going to point out four types of Christians that resemble these creatures.

#1. The Frankenstein Christian
Here is a man with a living heart, surrounded by bits and pieces of death. Many Christians have invited the King of kings to live in their heart, but still fashion for themselves a body of death, comprised of bone and sinew of this corrupt world system. Their decaying worldliness is tied so intricately into their life that the two can no longer be separated.

#2. The Dracula Christian
Some Christians choose to be the living dead, except with eternal life. They sit motionless, as though dead, in their pew. Nothing stirs them from their complacency, not shouting, not hellfire or brimstone. Oddly enough, there's a second attribute which marks them as well. Not only are they the living dead, but they often feed off those who share their congregation. Instead of biting necks, however, they stab backs.

#3. The Mr. Hyde Christian
First, apologies go to anyone named Mr. Hyde. That's something that's bothered me about this tale. The other monsters don't have anyone to share their name. To the general populace, this guy is known as the "Christmas & Easter Christian." They have two faces for two very different groups of people. This isn't despised by Christians alone, but by the whole world, under the term "hypocrite."

#4. The Invisible Man Christian
Evangelically speaking, you wouldn't even know that these people are Christians unless you confronted them directly. If he were a doctor, rather than a Christian, he would be content to go unnoticed, even as he held in his hand the cure for what ails you.

This isn't an essay heavy with theology, and that's good sometimes. I wanted to put a new spin on something we could all stand to hear (even me).