Total Depravity. Unconditional Election. Limited Atonement. Irresistible Grace. Perseverance of the Saints. These are the five theological terms used by Calvinists to describe, in brief, what they believe. Conveniently, it fits together to make the acronym T.U.L.I.P., which sounds nice and flowery, but does nothing more than hide the cruelty of the doctrine behind a bouquet of literacy. Some Calvinists have realized that these terms, especially the one about depravity, aren't exactly seeker-friendly, so they've sought out softer words. Choices abound, but in general, the words still jab like a red-hot poker. This begs the question, "If they're going to offend, why not just say what they mean?" Each of these five points has one word that's at least nine letters long. Unconditional, for example, is thirteen characters. For something as important as salvation, we need to cut through as much of the fat as possible. I propose a new acronym, one that both fits the Calvinist doctrines as a whole and also explains in layman's terms what they mean.

Handpicked: This one used to be called Unconditional Election, and was eleven letters longer in its original incarnation. Aristocracy would also be a fitting term if it was just a bit shorter. In brief, Calvinists believe that God picks his children, without any input from them. You cannot seek to be saved, nor can you repent unless God allows you. Like an apple, there's only two ways off the tree: either you're handpicked, or you go down.

Once Saved, Always Saved: That's it. Many Calvinists already embrace this term, which makes this step an abbreviated one. You can't get much simpler than once saved, always saved.

Only for some: Limited Atonement, as this used to be called, meant that, when Christ died, it was only for a few people, and not everyone, as though grace were a physical object that, if left unclaimed, would float around in the ether as waste-grace. It's apparently also what God mean in John 3:16, when He used the word "whosoever.' Even though such a claim makes no sense, it shouldn't bother us, because we know God's ways are above ours.

Evil, through and through: This was called Total Depravity and was probably the most offensive of the five terms. The new name isn't any nicer, but this way, no one's wasting time trying to figure out what it means. It means that you're no good. Period.

You can't say no: When the Holy Spirit grabs you by the collar, you're not allowed or even able to resist Him. It fits back with point #1, that we're handpicked. You don't have a choice in the matter. You're just a machine.

Yes, that's right. H.O.O.E.Y. In my opinion, that's pretty much what it is. God gave it to us plain and simple: Live for Christ or die without him. The fact that we're told what to do implies we have a choice in the matter. All of these extra rules and regulations do nothing but plant hurdles between people and the Cross.